our maker.

“lover of my soul. healer of my scars.you steady my heart” (kari jobe)

I was able to read the book "You Are Special" to my students this past week and always enjoy reading it to them. In a few sentences, it’s about a group of wooden dolls that stereotype each other into categories, one being the better one than the other. The dolls that go into the better category are beautiful and have no scars or scrapes. There is one doll named Punchinello that becomes discouraged, because he does not fall into that category. He feels ugly, because he has scars and scrapes. A seemingly different doll comes to him and tells him that he can be different like her, but that he needs to go see his Maker. Punchinello visits His Maker. His Maker tells him that he is special and perfect just the way he created him to be. His Maker loves him and will heal him. Punchinello can be different from the other dolls; he just has to trust and believe what his Maker has told him.

As I try and explain the analogies of this book to the kids, I still continue to have my own heart penetrated with the reminder of its simple promises. Let me share it with you…

There are people in this world that will come after you and try to bring you down, telling you things that aren’t true. Or maybe you are finding yourself being held down by the scars and scrapes that have occurred in your life. You don’t have to be held captive to the lies unless you choose to be. You can be different, because you have a Maker.

You are special and perfect just the way you are. He loves you. He wants to heal your scars. He will steady your heart. All you have to do is trust and believe what He says. Do you?

Thank you for being the Lover and Healer of my soul, Lord. Continue on and steady my heart.

He is.

people let us down. people are not who they seem to be. people leave us.

But…
God will never let us down. God is who He says He is. God will never leave us.

We live in a fallen world full of sinners. It is a broken and messy place. Some have good intentions, others don’t. We have all found ourselves at a place where we needed someone. We needed their kind words, listening ears, or warm embrace. How many times have we found ourselves in that moment of utter desperation and find that someone isn’t picking up the phone, texting back, or even present. No one is perfect.
People are going to let us down.

But, there is One that is always ready and ever present. He is perfect. He has promised to be there listening with open arms. We are treasured and called His beloved. He wants us to come to Him before we even try to go to someone else. Let us not let the weight of burdens bear on us because we feel like no one is there. Give it to Him, tell Him, because He is.

finished...or am I?

As the midnight hour approaches to signal the end of my make-up free month, I have mixed feelings. I never expected an epiphany at the end. In ways, I actually could not wait for Feb 1st to get here and put that fun colorful palette on my face again. So the question of, "Will you wear make-up again?" is answered with a simple: Yes. Honestly, it has become less and less about the make-up though and more and more about the Lord using that simple thing to reveal deeper issues at hand. This is just the beginning of a season of purging, healing, and restoring for me.

My identity is not found in being a young, heterosexual, professional woman that comes from a broken family. It is so much more than that. God created me to be holy. Awesome idea, but after many failed attempts, I have realized that I can't "try" to be holy. I realize each day that the more I "try" to be holy and perfect, I actually slip farther away from really being those things. Merriam Webster defines holy as: "exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness." The key word there is complete devotion. When we are trying to be holy on our own accord, our devotion and focus is on ourselves. Looking back, a percent of me tried this make-up free idea in the hopes of growing closer to the Lord, or I could say "holy." Don't you love how the Lord does not work on our agenda? In the beginning, I was focused on myself and the actual act of what I was doing. As the weeks passed, I became less focused on what I was actually doing and hence, less focused on myself. It was a slow and still continual surrender of myself. I was able to exalt and put the devotion where it was meant to be...the one true and holy God. When we become recklessly abandoned to God and completely surrendered, the Lord is able to do His work and out of that comes a vessel set apart as beautiful and holy ready for their one job...to proclaim and glorify their Creator. When that comes, we will be reflecting the holiness of our holy God, whose image we were created in.

So the real question isn't whether I am wearing makeup again and finished with this journey...it's whether I am ready to continue on this journey and be that reflective vessel...The answer: YES!

men are not the problem.

"Men are not the problem; it's what we are trying to get from them that messes us up. Nothing is more baffling than our attempt to derive our womanhood from our men. We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable."

Beth Moore knew what she was saying when she wrote that line. It hit me like a 2 by 4 against my head. How many times have I taken security in a comment or compliment that was made by someone of the opposite sex? And then worse off, try to hold onto it? Or continue to do things or say something so that I could receive more?

Let's go back a little bit...I grew up in a house, where I did not have all of my father's attention and care. He was enveloped by substance abuse. I'm not a psychologist, but I think I am safe to say that I probably did not get or have a fully healthy father-daughter relationship. So factor #1: missing Daddio in ways that I really needed him.

This next part is a bit hard for me to admit, but since I'm all about being open and honest..it's coming out.
I grew up getting a lot of compliments on the way I looked. I feel vain even typing this, and it actually makes me want to gag. I'm ashamed to say that I began to take security in people's compliments about my physical appearance. I felt like it was one of the things I was "good at" or had going for me. I know these people mean well, but with factor #1...it's just boiling up to a nasty equation.

Before you start to think that I am blaming all my insecurities on other things or people, let me explain a bit more. I also have made a conscious choice to let these things affect me in the ways they have. Christ has broken those chains. I need to bask in his freedom and grace, but I have chosen not to at times. Factor #3.

These factors put together equal nothing good. They have led me to looking to guys for my security. This has been a huge struggle for me over the years. I look to them as my mirror. If they give a compliment, I feel good. If they don't, I begin to wonder and question myself. I have gone to the point of wearing things that I know they will like or make myself look a certain way, in order to get the compliment. It becomes manipulative on my part. This is not their fault, it is mine. I am looking to a person that is facing their own insecurities from the world for MY security and worth. People and men will disappoint me and fall below my expectations, but I serve a God that promises to never do that.

I am totally not to the point of having victory in this area, but I so desire and want this for myself. "I want some soul-deep security drawn from a source that never runs dry and never dissipates us for requiring it" (Moore).

Psalm 90:14
"Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days."

beautiful.

i never thought i would be posting a bethany dillon song on my page, but i am. it was playing on my pandora and as the lyrics played, i realized that this song has some real truth and honesty to it.

"Beautiful"

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

treasured possessions.

"Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful." -Anonymous

Though some people feel the need to tell me. I did not go into this whole thing fishing for compliments or needing more attention. This year, I want to learn to see myself through God's eyes. The world surrounds me and other women with lies. They make us believe that we are not treasured for who we are. We'll be treasured if we do the things that we are told to do, look a certain way, and say the things that we ought to say. Satan enjoys throwing those lies in yours and my face.

Not wearing makeup for the first week was torturous. I went to my first big social outing and was kind of nervous. I am not going to lie, I felt a little self-conscious. Then I realized I had to stop focusing on myself. By the end of the night, I felt comfortable in who I was. This second week has been much better. I have actually forgotten about the fact that I am not wearing makeup at times and have started to recognize myself in the mirror again. This "giving up" makeup idea has made me realize what a selfish person I can be. I have quickly realized that I have to take my eyes off of myself and put them back onto the Lord.

Right now, I am trying to shave away at any insecurities I may have...One at a time. You might not think you have them, but you do. Try and think about some right now...possessions, finances, physical appearances, gifts/talents, personality, etc.
I know that God did not create me or you to be brought down with the lies that we are not good enough. We have complete and utter security in Christ. Satan would like nothing more than to make us think otherwise. A friend of mine reminded me of this the other day by saying, " we have the victory already, it's up to us, whether we want to experience it or not." Are you and I experiencing the victory and security that Christ has given us? Or are we allowing Satan, the world, and our sin to destroy it and try to take it away? God has set ME and YOU apart. We have been chosen. "For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth (v. 6)."

I think the "Anonymous" person got it wrong on that quote up there...I say we switch it up to say something like this:

"Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief and inner peace knowing that she is a treasured and beautiful possession created by God and for God."

Sike!

Well...that is what I really want to say to this whole make-up free month.
As I woke up this morning, groggy eyed, tossled hair, throbbing head and all, I realized that this would be one of my first real days without makeup. The last two days were spent in my house with family, so that really did not count. Today, was my first day back to school. Once I realized that the day had finally come, I was sick with anxiousness and insecurity. I felt like I wanted to make the rest of me look cute, in order to distract people from my face...Messed up thought of the day #1.
Don't' worry, these thoughts kept coming....

-Messed up thought #2 of the day: I arrived at work and wondered if the kids would come in saying something like, "You look weird today, or are you sick?" You know kids say the darnest things!

-Messed up thought #3 of the day: As I went throughout my day, I literally wanted to hide from people I knew. I didn't even want to look people in the eye when I talked to them, because I kept thinking that they were looking at me funny.

-Messed up thought #4 of the day: I felt like when I did talk to people that I wanted to tell them what I was doing, so that I had a good excuse to look the way I did.

-Messed up thought #5 of the day: When I finally went to the dreaded mirror and could not keep from going to the bathroom any longer...The first thing that came to my mind was that I looked like death.

-Messed up thought #6 of the day: I wanted to run to the bathroom like a drug addict and put on a wonderful and colorful palette of makeup on to my face. It was like I needed a hit and needed it bad. I some how found the self-control to fight the temptation.

-Messed up thought #7 of the day: I wanted to quit this whole thing.

-Messed up thought #8 of the day: I realized how much I had thought about myself today and what I looked like, which was sickening.

-Messed up thought #9 of the day: Found out I will be attending some events in the week to come and I am already trying to get out of them and dreading them.

Plan for tomorrow: Continue on....Focus on bigger and better things. This is going to be a llloooonnnggg month.

p.s. this is a picture to describe what I felt today...got this from a friend's blog, who is doing something similar.

perfection.

Get skinnier. Wear more makeup. Flirt more. Tighter clothes. Do whatever it takes to get boys attention. Have sex. Be PERFECT.

The world we live in has swamped girls young and old with the idea that we need the things above, in order to feel better about ourselves and be accepted. Basically....you must LOOK perfect, BE perfect, SAY the perfect things, and THINK perfectly to feel secure in our society. These ideas about what women should be, have come from movies, music, magazines, and other people in our lives...and they couldn't be more wrong. It is teaching women to be insecure with who they are and how they have been created. This has not only affected the "outside world" though....

Unfortunately, these ideas have infiltrated what is supposed to be the one place where IMPERFECT people come flawed and all...the church...But most are denying it or not even realizing they have become a slave to these things that the world says they should be.

And I am included in group. I want to make a change though. I want others to join me.


Insecurity has become like the plague to me. Insecurity about physical appearance, relationships, jobs, finances, future, etc. roll around in my head, come out of my mouth, and show through my actions at times. This has happened because I believe the lie that I have to be PERFECT. I am not perfect. But JESUS is. He is the only one that ever will be.

One specific area of insecurity I have is the thought of going without makeup for an extended amount of time. I have decided for the month of January to go make-up free. I realized that it has become a security blanket. It covers up my flaws. I feel more acceptable if I have it on. I feel like I look prettier with it on....I don't want to feel enslaved to something....So makeup-free it is.

I want to see myself through God's eyes. He created me just the way He wanted me.

This will not be an easy month. I will be updating the blog throughout this month long journey and let you know how it is going.

lord,
let me see beauty and perfection
through your eyes, not mine.
for you are the only one that is perfect and you made all things
just the way you desired.
refine and purify my heart.
inner and not outer.
in your matchless and perfect name,
amen.

hello 2012

2011...You were great....

1. Graduated MBI
2. Got a full-time teaching job at an awesome school
3. Bought a Car
4. Went to Greece and a few beautiful Greek islands
5. Amazing memories and time spent with family and friends
6. Supplied a place to live
7. Worked on being content
8. Tried to see everything I did as ministry
9. Began to see that I am far from perfect
10. Continued to see that I cannot do anything on my own


2012....I am so ready for you...Bring it on....

New Year. Beginnings. Fresh Start. Goals to be accomplished. People to see. Places to go. Things to learn. Ways to Grow.

1. Make my bed.
2. See relationships and myself through God's eyes.
3. Become a yogi again.
4. Less arguing, more grace.
5. Pick something new and try it...I have some ideas...
6. Have no expectations.
7. Cook a new recipe every two weeks...I need to be realistic :)
8. Go out West.
9. Grow in one content area to be a better teacher for my students.
10. Less of me, more of HIM.


Ready....Set....and I'm off....