redeemed.

A young brown haired, hazel eyed girl takes out her crayons and begins to write a sign to be hung up...but its not for something an everyday 7 year old girl would be trying to find, like a dog or a lost bracelet. It is something much more important. It's her own father, who went missing 3 days before. No calls, no notes, no scent left to find him. Now tears, worries, and frantic calls surround and buzz around the apartment that she lives in with her family. They were one of only two white families in the neighborhood. The diversity that gave those city blocks life-giving breath was the same diversity that she would come to love in the future. It allowed for tasty foods from far away countries, new words, and different looking friends that caused color blindness. That same melting pot was drenched with crime infestation, gun shots, addictions, and days of not being able to play with those different looking friends though. The latter is what caused the girl's father to leave his family behind. It was too strong to fight. He couldn't do it. It had begun to overtake him. No more family, no more job, no more him. Only the drugs. His eyes were set on one thing and he was willing to do whatever it would take to get them, even if it meant leaving his family behind. He wasn't the father he should have been. His attention was split. His cares placed elsewhere. He wasn't there. The fleshly desires of the world were creeping into this tiny apartment like fumes...through the cracks in the walls and under the door. It wanted to overtake and capture each person left in there. The little girl took her crayon colored sign to her sobbing Mommy to hang up. She wanted to find her Daddy.

A few long and weary days later, he came back...red eyed and irritable. The family couldn't take anymore of this. How much longer could they go on hiding secrets and suffering in this way? Thus began the years in and out of rehab and safe houses. Relapses and remissions. Moves out of the melting pot to try and help fight temptation. During this roller coaster, the little girl met a special someone. She was not too fond of him in the beginning. He was different than how she had known him before. She began to fall in love with him though. He began to capture her heart. He was her first love. He caused a separation in her family. Not every person liked him. She didn't care though.

Fast forward 8 years later, everything seemed to be more status quo. The sweet and sassy little 7 year old was now growing into a beautiful 15 year old. Everything seemed more normal, or so it was thought. One early summer day in June, the teenage girl, her brother, and mom went out. The girl walked into her living room and saw a white piece of paper hanging on the TV. It was from her father. It talked about how he loved the family, but that he could not be with them anymore. He wanted to go find himself. Screams and wails left the young girl's mouth. Mom knew right away what it was. Their world as they knew it, was about to turn upside down. Where would they live? How would they eat? Who would love them? The fumes of the world tried to come into their house again, just like it tried years before, or maybe they had left with the bags carried out by the girl's father that morning as he drove off. That was the last the girl would see of her father for a while.

The world says this little girl has few choices now. Her father is gone and has not been there. She will live on the street. She will abuse drugs. She will become pregnant. She will find her worth and identity in men. She will leave her family and divorce. She will fail in school. She won't accomplish anything of worth. She is worthless.

But...
The world was wrong. She does have a Daddy. She found Him. She wanted to find Him when she was making her sign. He wasn't really lost though. She just couldn't see Him then. He was there the whole time. She found Him years later. He was the man that not everyone liked. He was her first love, the one that captured her heart. When daddy left, she didn't have to worry because she knew she still had DADDY. He had chosen her. He had promised her. He had redeemed her. He had loved her. He had formed her.

The world might say on thing. But this girl knew that her Daddy said another. He told her that she had a future and a hope. She would prosper and be blessed. She would be fed and clothed. Every need would be supplied for. She would be rejoiced and sang over. She would never be left or forsaken. She would have a beautiful inheritance. She would be His vessel and used for His purposes. She would accomplish great things. She was a worthy woman created for His glory. She was worth it all.

This girl had been redeemed. He wanted to save her from evil and sin.
The world had tried to seep in through those cracks and windows, but something was stopping it each time. A person more powerful than any other was keeping it back. That person wouldn't let anything touch the little girl. His blood is what would save her. He would suffer and die for her. He would be raised from the dead and enter glory to sit at the right hand of His Father for her.

He was there. He never left. He was her DADDY.

What's your story? Look back and see how you are not who you "should" be. The Lord has redeemed you and made you His.
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are MINE." -Isaiah 43:1b

the rock won't move

Imagine it. You find yourself on top of a beautiful hill of sparkling sand that you piled together of dreams, desires, and hopes while overlooking the beautiful sea. As you stand there, your footing seems a little unstable, but you are still standing feeling as if can achieve anything and overcome everything with a victorious result. As sand crumbles and moves beneath your feet, you catch yourself and stand back up. You’re still standing strong. Then, out of nowhere, comes a light breeze, which quickly becomes a Chicago style, skirt raising, hair in your face sort of wind. By this point, not only are your feet sinking, but your body is swaying from side to side being tossed to and fro by the movement of the wind. You struggle to stand strong and steadfast. As you grasp around trying to help yourself, it becomes tiring and is starting to feel like an uphill battle. As you try to stand back up, the wind picks up. You look out. Huge waves are approaching. You don’t even have time to brace yourself. The waves come crashing in all around you. The strength of the storm is too much to bear. It not only wipes your hill to nothing, but now you find yourself gasping and trying to keep your head above the water. Your world, dreams, and desires are washing out to sea. The waves are all around you. It’s all you can see. Fear has not only crept in, but overtaken you. You look around. There is no one around to help you. You feel alone. Tears begin to stream from your eyes. You are desperate. Your body is losing strength. You are not sure how long you will be able to survive. It’s getting dark. As you try to stay afloat, your eyes catch a rocky shore in the distance. Your eyes look up and you find yourself pleading with everything that is left in you, “Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer, from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.”

Let’s stop our story right there.

We’re all fooling ourselves if we try to believe that we were never that person standing on the sand. The question isn’t whether you have found yourself in that place, but rather how long have you been trying to stand on a crumbly foundation? How many crashing waves is it going to take for you to realize that you cannot stand anymore on your own shaky foundation? The waves of financial instability, relationship issues, insecurities, medical news….the list could go on. It’s not “if”, it’s going to happen…it’s “when” it’s going to happen. We live in a sinful broken world that is decaying more each day.

I have been and at times continue with my struggle of trying to stand on my own foundation, that is only built of sand….or in other words, all the things that I find my identity in….my job, my appearance, my gifts and talents, my personality, my hopes, my dreams, my church, my friends and the people I know, and the opposite sex. Maybe you find yourself in the same place as me? Or maybe it’s something else? Name it. We want to be known and recognized. If you dig deep enough, you’ll find an area that you seem to cling to and find security in. We all do.

I had to learn the hard way this year. I had built my foundation alright, but not the way it was meant to be built. The waves of insecurities, heartbreak, health issues, fears, financial instability, weariness in ministry, anxiety, and depression came crashing in one after the other. I felt like I was being swallowed up whole and was going to drown. Darkness was hiding His face. I’m not even going to say that the waves are fully gone, but I found my eyes looking up to Heaven in my distress crying out,

“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer, from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.”

I knew He was waiting for me.

Loved One….He heard. And He hears you. He did not let me continue sinking. He pulled me out with His great and mighty strong hands. He led me to the Rock that was greater. He not only led me there, but stood me up on the Rock. He whispered in my ear, “You are mine, because of what my Son did for you on the cross. I am enough. I am all you need. I am your salvation. I am never changing. I do not move. I am faithful. I will never leave you. And I…am your Rock.”

I stood up steadfast and strong on my Rock. When I stood up, the waves didn’t go away. They were still there, but this time, as they came crashing in. I didn’t slip or sink. When darkness seemed to hide Him, I rested on who He said He was and His promises. I looked out at the sea before me and could sing wholeheartedly, “On Christ the solid rock, I stand. All other ground is sinking sand. The Rock won’t move. And when darkness seems to hide His face, I rest on His unchanging grace. The Rock won’t move.”

You can sing that, too. Call out to Him. Surrender that shaky foundation that you find yourself trying to stand on. Stand on the Rock of Your Salvation, that is NEVER moving.

“There is none holy like the Lord; for there is none besides you; there is no rock like our God.” (1 Sam 2:22)

my anchor.

anchor: 1. : a device usually of metal attached to a ship or boat by a cable and cast overboard to hold it in a particular place by means of a fluke that digs into the bottom 2: a reliable or principal support 3: something that serves to hold an object firmly

Storms will come. They are inevitable. Some are light. Some are strong. They can last a few short minutes or others make you wonder if you will ever feel the calm again. A boat can find itself in danger amidst these storms. They have one necessary and vital item though that they carry…

Every boat has an anchor. The purpose of an anchor is to help the vessel stay in place and prevent it from drifting due to the conditions that surround it. The boat could easily be tossed to and fro by the waves and winds that encompass it, but this somewhat small object is used to hold this huge vessel in place. There is something to be said about “there’s more here, than meets the eye.” An anchor can be quite small, but don’t be fooled…this little object weighs much and does not need help from anyone or anything else.

Imagine now that you are a boat. I know, difficult to do, but trust me on this. And lo and behold, you find yourself right now in your own storm. Hard to imagine right? Let’s be honest…Right now, you are either in a storm, or one is on the way. Remember, they are inevitable.

What are the waves that you find crashing at your sides? What are the clashing and thunderous sounds you hear ringing in your ears? What are the black clouds that seem to surround you?

Is it insecurity or doubt? Is it a health crisis or a death? Is it a breakup or let down? Is it a financial setback or job loss? Is it fear or anxiety?

It is dark. It is terrifying. It feels as if you will never see the light again.

But you my dear friend, have an anchor. It is called hope. It is “sure and steadfast.” This anchor is secure. It is secure because it is dug into something far more firm than we can ever imagine. We call that something Jesus Christ. We have this hope, because of what Christ did on the cross. He is our High Priest. As followers of Christ, we can now enter into the veil, the most Holy of Holies and be surrounded with His overwhelming and loving presence.

His veil is a place where we can rest in Him and have hope in His promises. His promises are endless. He will meet our needs, He will give us the victory, He will give us a future, He will provide a peace that surpasses understanding, He will lavish us in a love that is unconditional, and He will pour out abundant grace on us….but most of all He promises that “for those who love God, all things work together for good.”

The storm will end. There will be a calm. He promises it. And until it does, you have to do your part…throw your anchor down and remember that “yours holds within the veil.”

Hebrews 6:18-20: “So that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.”

our maker.

“lover of my soul. healer of my scars.you steady my heart” (kari jobe)

I was able to read the book "You Are Special" to my students this past week and always enjoy reading it to them. In a few sentences, it’s about a group of wooden dolls that stereotype each other into categories, one being the better one than the other. The dolls that go into the better category are beautiful and have no scars or scrapes. There is one doll named Punchinello that becomes discouraged, because he does not fall into that category. He feels ugly, because he has scars and scrapes. A seemingly different doll comes to him and tells him that he can be different like her, but that he needs to go see his Maker. Punchinello visits His Maker. His Maker tells him that he is special and perfect just the way he created him to be. His Maker loves him and will heal him. Punchinello can be different from the other dolls; he just has to trust and believe what his Maker has told him.

As I try and explain the analogies of this book to the kids, I still continue to have my own heart penetrated with the reminder of its simple promises. Let me share it with you…

There are people in this world that will come after you and try to bring you down, telling you things that aren’t true. Or maybe you are finding yourself being held down by the scars and scrapes that have occurred in your life. You don’t have to be held captive to the lies unless you choose to be. You can be different, because you have a Maker.

You are special and perfect just the way you are. He loves you. He wants to heal your scars. He will steady your heart. All you have to do is trust and believe what He says. Do you?

Thank you for being the Lover and Healer of my soul, Lord. Continue on and steady my heart.

He is.

people let us down. people are not who they seem to be. people leave us.

But…
God will never let us down. God is who He says He is. God will never leave us.

We live in a fallen world full of sinners. It is a broken and messy place. Some have good intentions, others don’t. We have all found ourselves at a place where we needed someone. We needed their kind words, listening ears, or warm embrace. How many times have we found ourselves in that moment of utter desperation and find that someone isn’t picking up the phone, texting back, or even present. No one is perfect.
People are going to let us down.

But, there is One that is always ready and ever present. He is perfect. He has promised to be there listening with open arms. We are treasured and called His beloved. He wants us to come to Him before we even try to go to someone else. Let us not let the weight of burdens bear on us because we feel like no one is there. Give it to Him, tell Him, because He is.

finished...or am I?

As the midnight hour approaches to signal the end of my make-up free month, I have mixed feelings. I never expected an epiphany at the end. In ways, I actually could not wait for Feb 1st to get here and put that fun colorful palette on my face again. So the question of, "Will you wear make-up again?" is answered with a simple: Yes. Honestly, it has become less and less about the make-up though and more and more about the Lord using that simple thing to reveal deeper issues at hand. This is just the beginning of a season of purging, healing, and restoring for me.

My identity is not found in being a young, heterosexual, professional woman that comes from a broken family. It is so much more than that. God created me to be holy. Awesome idea, but after many failed attempts, I have realized that I can't "try" to be holy. I realize each day that the more I "try" to be holy and perfect, I actually slip farther away from really being those things. Merriam Webster defines holy as: "exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness." The key word there is complete devotion. When we are trying to be holy on our own accord, our devotion and focus is on ourselves. Looking back, a percent of me tried this make-up free idea in the hopes of growing closer to the Lord, or I could say "holy." Don't you love how the Lord does not work on our agenda? In the beginning, I was focused on myself and the actual act of what I was doing. As the weeks passed, I became less focused on what I was actually doing and hence, less focused on myself. It was a slow and still continual surrender of myself. I was able to exalt and put the devotion where it was meant to be...the one true and holy God. When we become recklessly abandoned to God and completely surrendered, the Lord is able to do His work and out of that comes a vessel set apart as beautiful and holy ready for their one job...to proclaim and glorify their Creator. When that comes, we will be reflecting the holiness of our holy God, whose image we were created in.

So the real question isn't whether I am wearing makeup again and finished with this journey...it's whether I am ready to continue on this journey and be that reflective vessel...The answer: YES!

men are not the problem.

"Men are not the problem; it's what we are trying to get from them that messes us up. Nothing is more baffling than our attempt to derive our womanhood from our men. We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable."

Beth Moore knew what she was saying when she wrote that line. It hit me like a 2 by 4 against my head. How many times have I taken security in a comment or compliment that was made by someone of the opposite sex? And then worse off, try to hold onto it? Or continue to do things or say something so that I could receive more?

Let's go back a little bit...I grew up in a house, where I did not have all of my father's attention and care. He was enveloped by substance abuse. I'm not a psychologist, but I think I am safe to say that I probably did not get or have a fully healthy father-daughter relationship. So factor #1: missing Daddio in ways that I really needed him.

This next part is a bit hard for me to admit, but since I'm all about being open and honest..it's coming out.
I grew up getting a lot of compliments on the way I looked. I feel vain even typing this, and it actually makes me want to gag. I'm ashamed to say that I began to take security in people's compliments about my physical appearance. I felt like it was one of the things I was "good at" or had going for me. I know these people mean well, but with factor #1...it's just boiling up to a nasty equation.

Before you start to think that I am blaming all my insecurities on other things or people, let me explain a bit more. I also have made a conscious choice to let these things affect me in the ways they have. Christ has broken those chains. I need to bask in his freedom and grace, but I have chosen not to at times. Factor #3.

These factors put together equal nothing good. They have led me to looking to guys for my security. This has been a huge struggle for me over the years. I look to them as my mirror. If they give a compliment, I feel good. If they don't, I begin to wonder and question myself. I have gone to the point of wearing things that I know they will like or make myself look a certain way, in order to get the compliment. It becomes manipulative on my part. This is not their fault, it is mine. I am looking to a person that is facing their own insecurities from the world for MY security and worth. People and men will disappoint me and fall below my expectations, but I serve a God that promises to never do that.

I am totally not to the point of having victory in this area, but I so desire and want this for myself. "I want some soul-deep security drawn from a source that never runs dry and never dissipates us for requiring it" (Moore).

Psalm 90:14
"Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days."